What is it about the neon glow of a lava lamp that so enthralls some men? Is it the slow methodic movement of the backlit ooze? The warmth radiated by the hidden bulb?
Matt has one. I wanted to type "had" one, but no, he HAS one. It was front and center at his old apartment. Every now and then he would plug it in, lay on the bed, and stare at it.
Wanna know a secret? It doesn't lava. I'm pretty sure "lava" is not a verb, but I'm going to use it as one anyway, thanks for understanding.
The goo doesn't move, it just hangs out in a big lump at the bottom. He insists that, given time, it will work. He has left it on overnight and awoken to find....that it still doesn't lava.
I tried to kindly tell him that in our new place, I would kinda sorta prefer that it not show up. He looked somewhat crestfallen, but said that he knows he has to let go of his lava lamp wielding bachelorhood.
After we moved in together I unsuspectingly walked in on him and the lava lamp. It was sitting on the dresser in our bedroom. I didn't say anything and pretended not to notice.
Later, I hid it in the closet. Even though I do not like the lava lamp, I understand that he does, and for that reason I will not be the one to throw it away. But I will hide it. I'm not above that.
The problem with hiding things from Matt is that he ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS finds them.
Yesterday I came home from work to find...
...it's bad y'all...
..the lava lamp.
In the kitchen.
I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Oh hi! Look what I found!" He said cheerfully, then went about his business as if it were normal to have a purple glowing lava lamp living on the kitchen counter.
I hid it again...but I'm not going to tell you where...he's sneaky, he'll find it.