Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Marriage Advice...

While I think it is extremely sweet that people offer up advice to newlyweds, it gets to the point where I just want to say...thanks, got it, lets move on. And some of it? Well some of it, I just flat out disagree with.

For example Never go to bed angry. Umm... why the heck would we stay up to fight? I'm much more pleasant and reasonable when I am rested, as are most people I think. I think my new married mantra will be "go to bed angry, go to bed angry." I think that with rest, Matt and I are much more likely to see what the other is saying, and reach a conclusion, whereas if we stayed up to argue, we would both regress to the emotional state of toddlers and succumb to frustrated tears.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, I appreciate that people care enough to offer us advice. But then there are the people who we don't even know. For example, the driver of our airport shuttle. "COMMUNICATION" he told us. Over and over and over.

He would know, he said. After all he has been married three times...

Sigh. Ooookay. Well, thanks anyway driver.

Or maybe the taxi driver in Spain..."PASSION" he says, is the key to marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong here...but while passion is obviously a very good thing in marriage, I'm not sure we can call it "the key."

Why does there have to be a key to marriage anyway? Why can't we acknowledge that a marriage, like any relationship, takes work. I'm 11 days into it and I know that, it took work while we were dating, and it took work while we were engaged. I don't believe there is a secret key to making good marriage, just two people who are willing to stick it out through good and bad.

But what do I know anyway? I go to bed angry.


  1. People ALWAYS feel they have to put their two cents in. I remember rolling my eyes when we got married, but when we had our daughter....oh they can't keep their mouths shut!!

    Advice should be given ONLY when it is asked for!!

  2. Well I finally disagree with you (sorta). I fully and wholeheartedly disagree with going to bed angry. You wanna know why? Because if I go to bed angry, I will wake up 10 times angrier. It builds resentment. And that truly is a relationship crusher. Don't get me wrong, do whatever it is to make sure that you and Matt communicate (thanks driver! lol) in a reasonable and non aggressive manner. But that is my 2 cents. Aren't you glad that you asked??? LOL.

    I'm with Julie. I'm betting it gets WAY worse when you have children. I've seen it with my friends. I know its so bad that I've already decided that I'm not telling people we're pregnant (when it happens!) until we are at the hospital and have already had the child. "hey you wanna meet so and so?". I'm wicked and a coward like that.

    Wow. I just wrote a novel.

  3. I agree. resentment=BAD. i guess what i mean is that i like to take a step back from any disagreement and think, so if that means being rested and talking about it in the morning it just works better(for me anyway). I am not one to talk something to death. Then I space out and get lost and dont remember what we are fighting about but keep fighting anway. special huh?

    haha i cant even imagine what it would be like with a child.

  4. I hear ya. I got some wicked funny "advice" from people and I just nodded and nodded and thanked them and inwardly laughed my ass off.

    But on the whole going to bed angry thing? I won', wait...I CAN'T go to bed angry. Literally I will not sleep. I will stew and stew about it all we have to at least get to the point where we agree to disagree, apologize to each other and THEN go to sleep.

    Oh, and one other thing I hate hearing? "How does it feel to be married."
    Um, try, EXACTLY how it felt NOT to be married! We were in a serious relationship and living together already before the rings, and ALREADY committed to each other and happy...the marriage license did not change that. So I always found that to be a silly question.

  5. haha ooohhh dont get me started on "how does it feel"

    its like asking if you actually feel older on your birthday...

    NO. "but i think my ring is pretty. thanks for asking."

    thats my standard answer.

  6. I'm like April, I can't go to bed if I am mad. It makes me madder. Like if my hubby decides to go to bed in the middle of a disagreement.....I will wait a few for him to come and apolgize. But, I have to go and put it to rest before he falls asleep.

  7. When I was younger, I had the mantra 'don't go to bed angry.' Now that I've been in a long term adult relationship, I realize that sometimes you do need to go to bed angry. Me? I pick fights when I get tired. If I sleep on it, I'll usually realize how dumb I was being.

    Luckily, Mr. C is good about knowing when something is bothering me so I usually get it out of my system before we go to bed.

  8. I remember this being the main piece of advice I was given. I think what it really means is that you shouldn't supress your anger and try to forget about it becuase it will breed, as kittyconcerto said, resentment and more anger. I think that if you have to actually sleep on it, that's fine as long as you deal with the root problem in a timely way so that it doesn't take root and become something really bad.

    This comes from someone almost married 9 years and almost divorced's hard, it's work, and it's awesome.


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