Friday, August 15, 2008

Fingernail Frustration

I broke a nail last night. I broke it bad. You know, way back into the nail bed, back so far it started bleeding immediately. I ran to the bathroom to run it under cold water, Matt came to see what had happened because he might possibly have heard me say a not nice word...maybe.

No sooner were the words "are you okay?" out of his mouth when tears sprang to my eyes, because no, I'm not okay. It's not so much the nail, it's the million other repressed issues that the nail represents. It's the fact that I get bullied by the Office Manager at work and I'm not gutsy enough to stand up for myself, because, well, last time I got on the bad side of a manager I got myself fired, and I need my job right now. It’s the fact that the dog chewed the couch, the first piece of furniture Matt and I picked out together. It's the fact that I just found out that one of the sweetest women in my office is extremely sick and has been since she started here six months ago. How self-absorbed am I that I did not see it? Granted, she didn't want anyone to know, but I still feel like I should have picked up on something. It's so much more than that stupid fingernail.

Today I broke down AT WORK. Awful. And since it is only 9:30 that does not bode well for the rest of the day. I have never in my life cried at work, at least not in front of anyone. This girl, this Country Mouse, she is not a crier. And yet today when more work was added to my already overloaded schedule, I started to cry. I didn’t really CRY, but my eyes got watery, and in the professional world that is considered crying. Only one person saw me cry but since then several people have come into my office asking if I am okay. I fear that I will forever be that girl that cries at work. and now everyone knows. Every time I walk to the front office I get yet another hand on my shoulder asking me if I am okay. And short of launching into this little diatribe, I can't exactly tell them how I feel. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that they care, I just don’t want them to know that I can't do it all. I feel like I have a stamp on my forehead now. One that flashes "CRIER" in neon letters. What is it about crying, that as women, makes us feel vulnerable and weak? And it's not even that I was sad! I think that is what bothers me most. I'm frustrated, and that ends in tears. I feel like frustration should not lead to an action that will lead to more frustration...in my head that seems somehow very wrong.

Also, my finger hurts.
**11:34 am Update: Now the OWNER of the business just came into my office to see if he could "ease my workload" and asked if everything was okay at home. See, this is why women CAN NOT CRY.**

14 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean. I rarely cry b/c I'm sad. I usually cry because I'm pissed off. And I don't cry very often either, so when I do I feel weak.

    And crying at my job now is not an option since I work with 95% males. I let a couple of tears slip at work when I learned that my grandpa died and I still felt like people would look at me and think "Be careful! She's a crier!!"

    You could always blame some fake medication for the tears. (Not that you need an excuse, but it may make you feel better) "My doctor gave me these antibiotics and they're really messing with my head." Nobody would question it.

    I don't think you'll be labeled as a the office cryer unless you start crying every day, so one little moment isn't going to do any damage.

    Sometimes you just need to release some tears. BIG HUG!

    (on a side note- when people ask me if I'm okay, it usually leads to me crying more. If they would just leave me alone, I'd be fine!)

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  2. Bekah, it's just not a good day, but I am pulling for you!

    jen@the cubicle's has said everything that I am unable to come up with coherently, what great comments she has made.

    Things will get better, and no one is going to remember this after the next big thing happens.
    BIG hugs from me.
    Jen

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  3. Been there! I hate that I cry when I get overly frustrated and mad. Done it at work and feel so stupid. And it happens at the most inappropriate time! And when I did cry it was a shock to the co-workers cause they think of me as cold hearted. They actually told me that! Oh well....

    Thanks for coming by my blog and wishing Priss well. She's extremely sore today but still eating her treats. That's a good sign!

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  4. I am a CRIER. I always have been and always will be. I refuse to feel badly about it. I've cried at work. I've cried in front of friends. Family. Coworkers. But again I refuse to apologize for being "that person". I am human. Just like YOU are human. You CAN NOT do it all and/or handle it all and you WILL some days have your breaking point. Please don't feel badly for letting people see that vulnerable side. It doesn't make you any less of a person or employee!!
    Take care of yourself this weekend!!

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  5. I am a frustrated crier. I dry when I am really mad or frustrated.It totally sucks when it happens at work....but dont feel bad....it happens to lots of girls. Thank goodness it is Friday. You can go home, kick off your shoes and have a drink. Relax and do something fun with the hubby this weekend. Hugs. Hope your day gets better.

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  6. Owie.....I know how much that hurts.....and it hurts for days...but it will feel better soon.

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  7. I'm not much of a crier either but I have been brought to tears at work too. Frustration and stress is what got me (it was during one of our busy seasons). Don't worry too much about it...It happens to a lot of us.

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  8. Oh, I know that had to hurt!!

    I am a frustrated crier. I think I've cried at work twice in 5 1/2 years. However, I have a coworker and boss who are criers and it frustrates the snot out of me. I perceive my coworker's crying as a way for her to get sympathy or to get out of something. My boss...well, when I had to tell her that I was trying to get pregnant, hence all the tests, she started crying. I just stared at her like, WTF? It was awkward.

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  9. I am a crier too!! I could be in a huge fist fight and I would cry. Oh and Jen is so right, when then come over and say "are you ok" the water works start again.... My brother used to always call be "cry baby" even as adults!! Makes me soooo angry and makes me cry more!! Don't feel bad, you had a bad day-no biggy!!

    One time I not only cried at work, but sobbed while going over my performance with my manager (a man) and he just kept talking, never said do you need to take a minute? Oh how I hated him.

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  11. Oh and I forgot, your nails look pretty and shiny!!!!

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  12. oh no! heavens to betsy....tears...what are they good for?? Nothin! The instant i shed a tear when Gil and I are "talking" he shuts off. soooo wonderful a feeling. I am so sorry that the neon sign is on over your head right now, it will get better, promise! Everyone cries punkin....

    now your booboo, that looks like it hurt! i kiss it , make it all better!

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  13. I am sorry you were having a bad day. I hope the weekend was better! I know how ya feel about the crying at work. As soon as a woman cries..its all over for our persona's.

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  14. I am a mad crier too---and I occasionally cry at work. Last week I promised my boss that I would go 24 hours without yelling at him. I do not think I made it.

    He keeps big kleenex in his office because I am not the only one.

    If crying makes me inferior in some way so be it---I am a whole lot of good things too, and anyone who discounts that because I cracked is not worth worrying about.

    The same goes for you. We dont have to be perfect--we just have to be our best. Sometimes our best needs a good cry. Or a nap. Or a beer. Its okay

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