Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It Would Be Easier if I Lived in a Bubble

I stepped up and faced my fears last night, I gave a speech. It was for school so it was relatively ''easy" as far as speeches go, but I think we all know by now that I have a bit of a social phobia. I seized onto the only topic I know a ridiculous amount about, mostly because I have an unhealthy fear of it, Carbon Monoxide. I'm sure you guys remember the Great Carbon Monoxide Scare of 2008?

I figured that was my best chance of eking out a five minute speech.

I dressed nicely in an effort to convince myself that I am an adult that is fully capable of speaking in front of a room of 30 people. I was prepared, but honestly, the fact that I knew I LOOKED the part was more reassuring to me than my hours of preparation.

I waited for my turn to take the podium anxiously. As I waited, I fidgeted. It's what I do, I am a fidget. I always have been, and always will be. Being still and/or calm does not come naturally to me in any sense. As I gathered my notes, I noticed that while I was 'fidgeting' I was actually stroking my pen back and forth over the thigh of my leg.

Back and forth with my OPEN pen over the thigh of my light gray slacks.

By the time I noticed my error I had created a giant blue swath of ink across my upper thigh.

Go freakin' figure.

I gave my speech with one hand awkwardly placed on my upper thigh area. I think the class thought my bladder was about to give. I looked into their sympathetic faces and fumbled through five minutes in agony.
Meet my downfall. INK.


  1. My speech on that subject would have been 10 seconds long and consisted only of "Call your husband or another loved one and ask them what to do if your CO2 detector goes off. Thank you."

    I bet you did a fantastic job. My oldest son has to take speech at the end of his middle school year. Seriously, I am stressed out about it. I tell myself I'm stressed for him, but he'll do fine. My stress is just phantom stress from my own speech-giving memories!

  2. Oh my girl. I'm sorry. I agree though, I'm sure you rocked it, ink and all.

  3. I did the exact same thing once when I had to give a speech at work. It's funny now, but boy was I embarrassed at the time.

  4. Oh my gosh!! That totally sucks (but still entertaining for us readers!!). I remember when I had to take a speech class. Normally I am fine talking to people, and even talking to the whole class while seated at my desk. I don't know, something about standing up there and being vulnerable to everyone just freaks me out!

  5. i get sooo nervous speaking in front of people, too. i just try to remember that most people are probably not really paying attention anyway...especially if those same people will have to be giving speeches themselves:-)

    i'm sure you did fine!

  6. LOL! That is just the kind of thing I am good at too!

    Glad you survived - and your listeners too!

  7. As you know I teach. Standing in front of a room of 30 teenagers in nothing to me. Actually, standing in front of a room of 500 teenagers is nothing to me.
    But, if you place just one adult in that audience, I become a stuttering mess.
    I wonder where these fears come from. Like spiders and closed spaces. What's the deal?

  8. Oh gawd. That reminds me. I was chatting to some people the other day, trying to somehow impress by acting all at ease and all that (I wasn't, at all). So I grabbed a beer from the fridge while talking - and proceeded to try to open the bottle by twisting the cap with my hand.

    :( D'OH.

  9. I hate doing speeches. They drive me crazy and I get myself so worked up about it. I am hoping I am done with them. Im sure you did great!

  10. NO NO NO!!! Oh man, that's awful my friend. I love what Jerry Sienfeld says about the subject of speeches. "More people are scared to give speeches than to DIE. So you'd rather be IN the casket than giving the eulogy."

  11. oh speeches--the things of nightmares. I used to be deathly afraid of speaking publicly---horribly so. Then I got forced into a class in college and I threw up everytime I had to give one, which was once a week for 6 weeks.

    It was horrible.

    Now it is my job, and I do not know what happened, but I got good at it---still throw up though, sometimes.

    Ink on the pants sounds right up my alley. I once got to gesturing so hard with a pen in my hand that I chucked it mid-speech and almost put out a judge's eye.

    Oy the horrors

  12. no one, and i mean no one is more like me than you! I luv you! oh gone are the days of college speeches, but a whole world of blunders is around me. hahaha you poor thing...i am still hoping you get an A+!

  13. That's hilarious.

    I have a fear of public speaking, too.

  14. Most people fear public speaking.

    You are not alone.

    For helpful information, please see my site:


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