I recently was interviewed for a part-time job that I applied for earlier this week. I know I didn't mention to you guys that I was even looking...that's because I wasn't really looking, but I saw an opportunity to learn something new and make a little extra cash while I am at it, so I gave it a go. I mean, what was the worst that could happen? They don't hire me? Well they did hire me, but that is not the point of this post.
While I was being interviewed, the interviewer asked me the following question:
If you could change anything that has happened in your life, what would it be?
I thought about it for a few minutes, and my honest answer was nothing. I would not change a thing.
Later in the day, as I ruminated on the interview, I kept coming back to that question. Would I want to change any part of my past? Is there anything that I think indelibly changed my life for the worse?
And, honestly? My answer is still no. My life has not been a joyride. I know, I tend to focus more on the lighter side of things here on my website, and that is because I don't feel the need to retell the stories that aren't funny. The parts of my childhood that were sad, the times in my life where my fear and anxiety has kept me in the dark.
~On the day my parents told us that they were divorcing, and in the weeks that followed, I felt as if my world had been so wickedly invaded that it would never be right again.
~When both of my parents later remarried and I fought both of their new spouses tooth and nail, simply because I still didn't want to face the reality that my parents were not going to reconcile. When, several years later, I started binge drinking at the age of 14 simply because I didn't quite feel like I had place to belong.
~When the fear of loneliness and the unknown kept me so paralyzed inside that I seized control of the only thing I could as I spiraled deep into depression, and slowly developed an eating disorder that I would be fighting against for the rest of my life.
There were times that I honestly thought that the pain I felt was too much to bear, that I didn't even want to wake up to see the next day. But now, looking back, all of those events, those struggles, have shaped me into the person that I am today. They have molded and refined my life in ways that I would never have imagined.
Had my parents not divorced, my life would be drastically different. My father would not have been a pastor, which in turn would mean that I would never have gone on a mission trip to a foreign country where I met my husband. We wouldn't have moved to a new school district in junior high, my sister never would have met the girl who would become her best friend, who later received a kidney donated by my mother. My sister also would not have met that same friends brother, who turned out to be the man SHE would marry.
There are many things that I can look back on and wish that I had not felt the pain that I did at those moments. That I had been spared the circumstances that led to those moments. But if those moments, that pain, is what it takes to get to this place I am in today, I wouldn't change a thing. I am happy.
For the first time in years I can finally say I have reached this point -- I am happy. I am content.
Things aren't perfect, they never will be, but I finally feel like I am no longer teetering on the brink of an abyss that will swallow me once again.
Okay, well maybe if I could change anything I would change that neon green dress I wore to my high school prom...
Would you change anything?