Friday, February 20, 2009

Happiness

I recently was interviewed for a part-time job that I applied for earlier this week. I know I didn't mention to you guys that I was even looking...that's because I wasn't really looking, but I saw an opportunity to learn something new and make a little extra cash while I am at it, so I gave it a go. I mean, what was the worst that could happen? They don't hire me? Well they did hire me, but that is not the point of this post.

While I was being interviewed, the interviewer asked me the following question:

If you could change anything that has happened in your life, what would it be?

I thought about it for a few minutes, and my honest answer was nothing. I would not change a thing.

Later in the day, as I ruminated on the interview, I kept coming back to that question. Would I want to change any part of my past? Is there anything that I think indelibly changed my life for the worse?

And, honestly? My answer is still no. My life has not been a joyride. I know, I tend to focus more on the lighter side of things here on my website, and that is because I don't feel the need to retell the stories that aren't funny. The parts of my childhood that were sad, the times in my life where my fear and anxiety has kept me in the dark.

~On the day my parents told us that they were divorcing, and in the weeks that followed, I felt as if my world had been so wickedly invaded that it would never be right again.

~When both of my parents later remarried and I fought both of their new spouses tooth and nail, simply because I still didn't want to face the reality that my parents were not going to reconcile. When, several years later, I started binge drinking at the age of 14 simply because I didn't quite feel like I had place to belong.

~When the fear of loneliness and the unknown kept me so paralyzed inside that I seized control of the only thing I could as I spiraled deep into depression, and slowly developed an eating disorder that I would be fighting against for the rest of my life.

There were times that I honestly thought that the pain I felt was too much to bear, that I didn't even want to wake up to see the next day. But now, looking back, all of those events, those struggles, have shaped me into the person that I am today. They have molded and refined my life in ways that I would never have imagined.

Had my parents not divorced, my life would be drastically different. My father would not have been a pastor, which in turn would mean that I would never have gone on a mission trip to a foreign country where I met my husband. We wouldn't have moved to a new school district in junior high, my sister never would have met the girl who would become her best friend, who later received a kidney donated by my mother. My sister also would not have met that same friends brother, who turned out to be the man SHE would marry.

There are many things that I can look back on and wish that I had not felt the pain that I did at those moments. That I had been spared the circumstances that led to those moments. But if those moments, that pain, is what it takes to get to this place I am in today, I wouldn't change a thing. I am happy.

For the first time in years I can finally say I have reached this point -- I am happy. I am content.

Things aren't perfect, they never will be, but I finally feel like I am no longer teetering on the brink of an abyss that will swallow me once again.




Okay, well maybe if I could change anything I would change that neon green dress I wore to my high school prom...
...shudder.

Would you change anything?

12 comments:

  1. Oh Bekah, what a lovely, poignant post! Sniff, sniff!

    There are many things I regret: cheating on an old boyfriend, him cheating on me and stuff like that.. but would I change that? Probably not, because I wouldn't be here now - with the family I have now. I wouldn't change them for anything in the world.. although I would lend out the anklebiters for an hour or two of peace! ;-)

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  2. You know, sometimes I think of so many "what if's"...what if I had done this or that differently. I can only think of a couple of regrets and if I could do them over I most certainly would....they are too personal to even list...but I can still hardly bear the outcome of those two mistakes today...so I will have to answer yep...I have a few regrets....but then again...I am much older than you!

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  3. This is such a great post, and it's amazing to see how the chain of events in your life created such interesting and awesome links.

    I recently read through some old journals written when I was a couple years out of college and in a relationship that I'd rose-colored into believing was so fated and wonderful, but every entry I wrote about it for it's entire run included me crying about some aspect of it, and had we married, as was the plan, I know without question it would have been a mistake, and as I glance across the room at my sons, I know I wouldn't have them if I hadn't changed my mind from that one relationship years ago.

    There are other, bigger, things. I'd like to erase the whole "my Dad had a massive stroke and everything changed," thing, but really, for the big picture part of life, I'm OK with how things have played out in life.

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  4. When I graduated high school, I decided to live my life with no regrets- to remember that the decisions I made at the time were what I thought was best for me at the time. Thanks to that, I don't have any regrets either. If I hadn't been failing calculus in college (oh what a great engineer I was starting out to be!) then I never would've met Mr. C.

    If the situation that will arise in my password-protected posts wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have figured out who I was (again).

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  5. I have regrets, such as waiting too long to get help with a bout of severe depression - but there's nothing I would change either. It helped me become who I am.

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  6. Bekah, congrats so much, for so many happy things happening in your life.

    How wonderful. Love the house, adore the baby, and am thrilled you got a interesting job!

    You go girl.

    Jen

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  7. Great post Bekah! As you so eloquently put it, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't experience all those past trials and tribulations. So no, I wouldn't change a thing. Wish I had made better choices in hair styles....doodoo roll for bangs, not cute!

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  8. I, too, feel I am the person I am today (the person who I know love) BECUZ of my past. And that includes the mistakes I've made. Maybe I wish I had better managed my money when I was younger. And I definitely wish I had spent MORE quality time with Dad before he died. BUT in the grand scheme of things, I'm happy with where life has brought me. I'm not happy my father died BUT I have learned SO MUCH from the whole experience and I am able to share that experience with others who need it. Everything has a plan, I guess.
    Great post!

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  9. This is such a beautifully written post.

    I was just thinking recently if I would change anything if I could. I came up with the same answer as you, I wouldn't. The things I went through made me who I am and for that I'm thankful!

    Great post!

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  10. I always think there are things I would change, but then after some time has passed, I start seeing the good that came out of the bad situations.

    Great post!

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  11. what a great way of looking at your life and the pain. If I was asked that honestly by a genie or someone who really had the power to change something, I don't know what I would say. Maybe what is going on right now in my life with my spouse in another country. Great post.

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  12. Thanks for letting us take a peek into the darker side of Bekah and realizing that you came out of it beautifully and with great perspective.

    I probably would have changed the fact that I turned down the offer to study abroad. Doh!

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