Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Destroyed Daffodils

I'd like to hop on here and write another positive post, one that shows just how strong and resiliant we can be, to put on my best Spanglish accent and yell "We don't need no stinkin' house", but it's starting to get to me.  It doesn't help that Jack is still sick, and I can't help but wonder if all those mold spores we unknowingly exposed him to might have something to do with it...the Doctor tells me that it doesn't, that babies get sick and then they get better, but I still wonder. 

It's been two months now, and very little progress has been made towards a resolution.  Two months of imposing on my mom and step-dad.  Two months of staring up at pink insulation wondering how we can resolve this faster.  TWO STINKING MONTHS. 

It breaks my heart to go to the house now, so I try not to go unless I absolutely have to get something vital.  Something that we need right now.  I try to tell myself  "it's just a house, just wood and cinderblocks" but that is a whole lot easier to say than to believe.

The first time I went back I thought I was okay. I get some things we needed, but as I headed back to the car, I saw my daffodils. They were beautiful and cheery and they were blooming at a home we couldn't be in. Tears began to stream down my face as I tore up their stems, each and every one.

The hardest part is going into my baby's room.  The room that I spent hours working late into the summer nights, painting each Dr. Suess Mural by hand while my swollen belly brushed against the wall, the room that my husband worked hour after sweaty hour replacing the ceiling so our little one could look up at fresh white paint and a ceiling fan.  The room we excitedly decorated for our sweet baby, the curtains my mom and grandmother taught me how to sew, made especially for this room. 

The room in which he has never, and probably will never, spent a single night.

That gets me every time.  I see his beautiful white crib, his sweet Dr. Suess bedding, his pile of stuffed animals, the books we wanted to read to him, and I feel like such a failure.  I should have known.  Somehow, I should have known.  I want to go back in time, to protect my family from all of this, to keep this stress off of the shoulders of my dear husband.

I want to go home.


  1. awww Bekah, it will work itself out, it just takes a little..or a lot of time!

    The doctor is right, babies get sick, they get well, and they get sick again....for years!! Jack is cutting teeth, and that in and of itself is cause enough.

    Don't be too hard on yourself...or the flowers! A better day is just around the corner.

    Has any progress been made at all? Do they think in time you can return, surely they do...I mean....surely...

    If you guys need a vacation to get away from it all....remember we have a cabin in Colorado....you guys could go and be alone for a week....I have openings....and I'll cut you a deal.....a penny is the rental for you guys!!!

    Hang in there!!!

  2. My precious sister! This breaks my heart! While I can't imagine what you are feeling, I do believe that the love that was poured into your home does not end in that house. Your home is where you are with the family God gave you, and God will give you a safe house to hold that family. Right now, He wants you to be with them and HIM under pink insulation! I know this situation doesn't make any sense, I mean, I don't get it at all! And you deserve this time to grieve for what is going on, please know I would never try to take that away from you! Just know I love you and I'm super proud of you sister!

  3. And I think you should take the cabin deal! SWEET!

  4. Hi Bekah, I am sorry to hear about your moldy house..so sad..I hope it gets resolved pretty soon.
    That baby boy of yours is one handsome dude!! :)

  5. We will find a way to keep his room. I'm so sorry my love.

  6. HEy Scruffy!

    I love you! I have no words of wisdom but i hope it helps to know how proud I am of you. You are a fantastic daughter, great wife to a fine man and a wonderful mother to a handsome little man.
    Hang in there! Can I help at all?

  7. I'm so sorry.... :(

  8. I keep praying that this comes to a happy conclusion quickly for you but it doesn't seem to be. I'm so sorry. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know!

    And on a side note, Jaime spent the better of six(!) months sick with various colds and things while he was teething... 6 straight months. :) Jack will get better, just gotta give him some time! Until then, whens the last time you went out for a pedicure?

  9. Being torn out of someplace that you love is not easy. You barely got enough time to feel settled, and then you were gone. Things will improve, they have to. I believe that they will, and so do you.

    I love that quote, "it's always darkest, before the dawn." That really rings true here, there is one bright morning coming for you.
    And I can hardly wait to see what it shows.


  10. Oh wow! I don't quite know what's going on since I've been gone for a bit, but this doesn't sound good at all. And Jack's room is super adorable! I remember when I was pregnant that her nursery was my most treasure project of all our home renovations that I was trying to accomplish.

    Stay strong and know that God does have a plan. And the most important thing is that you have your family with you all safe and sound.

  11. this is just crazy. wow. you will have a story of faith to share in the end.

  12. There is NO WAY you could have known, so don't beat yourself up! We had mold in the insulation of the baby's room that we only found becuz before he was born, Daryl realized how hard it was stripping 2-3 layers of wall paper over paint over wallpaper. So he opted to pull down the dry wall and thankfully he did, cuz we wouldn't have known! Mold is sneaky and tricky.

    Don't get too upset (I know, easier said than done) becuz no matter what, you have your sweet baby boy and hubby and all of your HEALTH. And that is what is most important. Now, go get a pedicure or a massage and try to do something that will relax you! YOu dserve it!


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