Monday, May 3, 2010

Refined

It's no secret that Matt and I have been through the fire lately.  We have been tested through this house ordeal, we have had triumphs and failures as a couple and as a family.

It hasn't been easy on either of us, and last week it really came to a head when we realized that each of us,  in one way or another, had lost that lovin' feeling (whoa that lovin' feeling, now it's gone...gone...gone....ooooo...SORRY, I had a Top Gun flashback there for a minute).  At no point did either of us stop actually loving the other, but we just...we got tired.  And we took it out on each other, we were inconsiderate, we were cold, and it hurt.  Both of us. 

We are learning, he and I, we are growing, we are maturing.  We feel like this is something that we can either grow from, or something that can tear us apart.  We choose to grow. 

I've missed him, and what hurts is that he has been right here.  That's not his fault, it's both of ours.  At any point I could have turned to him and said 'I need you' and I believe he would have been there for me. But instead I chose silence to mask that I was hurt.  I chose to be angry to hide that I was feeling lonely.  Our lines of communication, lines that up until this point had never missed a beat, were almost completely broken down.  In their place was resentment, anger, and some nasty little attitudes sprinkled on top.  On minute we could be happily talking and the next we would be full out brawling over picture frames or misplaced socks.

I didn't want to share this here, not really.  It's my nature to gloss over the sticky parts of life, to let everyone believe my 'everything is okay' facade.  It is okay...now.  It is okay because we both knew that where we were a week ago was not okay. We weren't living as a husband and wife should be, we were living as crotchety old roommates. 

Did you know that when gold is refined it is heated to such a point that all the impurities rise to the top, so that they can be removed?

We have found some of our impurities and skimmed them from our marriage, we know what to be aware of, and we hope to never forget the pain that we caused each other.  Not that we will hang on to it, no, we want to remember in order to prevent causing this pain to each other again. 

We are refined, and we will continue to be refined.  It's not a fun process, it's not as easy process, it hurts, but the end product is oh so worth it. 

8 comments:

  1. I posted a similar post about Kyle and me recently. I never thought it would be so easy just to "loose that lovin feeling" but if you don't fight for it, it can vanish. I am glad that you posted this because I think that as couples it's good to know others have similar issues. Keeping our marriage issues completely taboo, makes any problems seem that much more terrible when you aren't aware that its normal. Anyways, thanks for sharing.

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  2. Good for you for realizing that something wasn't right, and doing something about it. And good for you for being brave enough to talk about it.

    You are a lovely couple, and I am so glad that the situation is taking a turn for the better.

    Marriage is hard, really hard at times, and then suddenly it seems to get easier, until the next challenge. It's the easy times we need to be aware of, that's when we take each other for granted. The hard times can make us angry at each other, but they make us grow as a couple.

    Believe me, Gar and I have been through some pretty tough times in the last year and a bit. It wasn't easy, and there were times we needed to fight to find the love.

    We've just celebrated 10 years into our marriage. And I think that we love and appreciate each other even more now.

    I wish for you both, the very best of love, laughter, and joy.

    Hugs to you.

    Jen

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  3. That is such a beautiful photo. I'm hoping you'll frame it and have it somewhere you can look at it when these feelings creep back in and have it as a reminder to take the wonderful steps you did this time.

    You two have gone through so much in such a short time, both good and bad. The arrival of your beautiful boy. Moving into a home and then discovering it wasn't what it should have been. Such upheaval! The wonderful thing is you both realized that you needed to cleave to the other rather than let the feelings fester and make your heart dark. I know many couples who could learn from your example.

    Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. This was a beautiful post. I'm glad you shared it.

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  4. Marriage. I tell all my single friends that it isn't for the faint-hearted. You have to be willing to fight every day for your marriage and if you can't imagine fighting for your partner then don't get married! I'm glad you guys are finding that loving feeling again.

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  5. We are currently going through the same thing. We hit this wall of "baby baby baby" and no "us" time. We get mad at each other, feel resentful, and just flat out are tired.

    We decided to make date nights, with baby at home, but after she goes to bed. We turn off the tv, turn off our phones, just us. We sit and talk, play a game, or just sit outside with some wine. It's awesome!

    BTW, your hair is amazing!!!!

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  6. Love the picture! And great post. :)

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  7. What a ((beautiful)) lesson to share. Well done. You lovely couple, you.

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  8. Ok... I just found your blog and LOVE it! I have so much catching up to do!
    I am brand new to the "blogging" system so bare with me - but you should definately check out my blog and let me know what you think thus far:
    http://mamasita-thislittlelifeofmine.blogspot.com/
    Thanks! :-)

    ReplyDelete

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