It's no secret that Matt and I have been through the fire lately. We have been tested through this house ordeal, we have had triumphs and failures as a couple and as a family.
It hasn't been easy on either of us, and last week it really came to a head when we realized that each of us, in one way or another, had lost that lovin' feeling (whoa that lovin' feeling, now it's gone...gone...gone....ooooo...SORRY, I had a Top Gun flashback there for a minute). At no point did either of us stop actually loving the other, but we just...we got tired. And we took it out on each other, we were inconsiderate, we were cold, and it hurt. Both of us.
We are learning, he and I, we are growing, we are maturing. We feel like this is something that we can either grow from, or something that can tear us apart. We choose to grow.
I've missed him, and what hurts is that he has been right here. That's not his fault, it's both of ours. At any point I could have turned to him and said 'I need you' and I believe he would have been there for me. But instead I chose silence to mask that I was hurt. I chose to be angry to hide that I was feeling lonely. Our lines of communication, lines that up until this point had never missed a beat, were almost completely broken down. In their place was resentment, anger, and some nasty little attitudes sprinkled on top. On minute we could be happily talking and the next we would be full out brawling over picture frames or misplaced socks.
I didn't want to share this here, not really. It's my nature to gloss over the sticky parts of life, to let everyone believe my 'everything is okay' facade. It is okay...now. It is okay because we both knew that where we were a week ago was not okay. We weren't living as a husband and wife should be, we were living as crotchety old roommates.
Did you know that when gold is refined it is heated to such a point that all the impurities rise to the top, so that they can be removed?
We have found some of our impurities and skimmed them from our marriage, we know what to be aware of, and we hope to never forget the pain that we caused each other. Not that we will hang on to it, no, we want to remember in order to prevent causing this pain to each other again.