Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I am a Fake

A Fraud.  A Failure. 

Let me start by saying, I have always been a worrier.  I just have.  I was a nervous kid, and I am a nervous adult, and when I have said on here that I am shy, that is an understatement.  However, in the year since Jack was born, it's been worse.  It started to get better, but then we found out that our house was basically poisoning us, and ever since, I just really have been having some trouble.

I am scared.  All the time.  And I don't mean nervous.  I am straight up terrified that everything is going to fall apart right in front of my face.  I feel like everything I am doing, I am doing it wrong.  I am scared because I don't know what is in the walls, in the air.  I can't protect my son, or my husband, or even myself. 

I didn't write about it, because I didn't want it to be a real problem.  I have been telling myself that this is just a phase, a season of life, that it will resolve itself.   That I will get better, but it has been a year, and I am not getting better.  In fact, if I had to choose, I would say I am getting worse.  I can't really fall asleep, and when I do I wake up sweating because I don't know how we would get Jack out of his room if there was a fire (etc. etc,).

I have written about my struggles with depression in the past, and this?  This is not depression.  It's anxiety or something.  I am incredibly happy, if that makes sense.  So happy that I am afraid it will all be taken away from me in the blink of an eye.  I don't deserve this happiness (and yes, I do realize how flawed my logic is here, but I can't seem to rationalize my way through this one).

I finally worked up the courage to call the doctor, and to be honest, I am incredibly disappointed at how the appointment went.  I tried to explain how I was feeling, but I felt like she thought I was just another crazy person.  Her, with her eyebrows raised as I tried to explain that I get dizzy until I realize that I, inexplicably, have been holding my breath randomly.   She asked me some questions, and I told her that I would rather go to some form of counseling or therapy, with medication being a secondary option.  She seemed fine with this, but then wrote me a prescription she said would be fine with breastfeeding, then left.  No referral to a counselor, no actual diagnosis, and I have no idea where to start. 

I picked up my prescription, and right on the back it says not to take it if you are breastfeeding. I asked the pharmacist, who looked it up and said that according to her information, that drug is potentially toxic in breastmilk. 

So...here we are.  I am willing to wean Jack if that is the only way I can be the best mom and wife that I can be, but I, with my limited knowledge and resources, have already found two other drugs that are deemed safe for breastfeeding infants and will be calling the doctor back tomorrow, and we will also be calling the counseling services offered through Matt's employer. 

This post is awkward, and jumbled.  And not nearly as eloquent as I would like it to be, but this is where I am.  Sitting at my laptop, staring at a little brown pill bottle, tears running down my face. 

I hate that I can't pull myself out of this on my own. 

20 comments:

  1. I am going to send you a message on facebook tonight....look for it. Just know you are not alone...and it will be OK. {hugs}

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  2. First, though I am not a mother (yet) I can sympathize with the worrying ... totally there with ya! I was diagnosed with having panic attacks back in college and still have them to this day. I hold my breath, I worry about everything and honest to goodness I obsess over nothing all the time.

    Second, I've been there. I've had a doctor write it off as "nothing" and even had one diagnose me as bipolar. First, no change in moods drasticaly and second, I'm a happy person (may be too happy?!). My suggestion is to get another opinion. Seek out a different doctor who can and will be willing to listen and offer you what you are looking for. I am so thankful I did. I managed to find a doctor who specializes in a natural and holistic approach to anxiety and panic disorders and who perscribed a book - Heart Math. I would highly recommend reading it. It taught me breathing techniques that truly helped out and I find myself using them when I'm getting overly worked up. It taught me to breath instead of holding it all in. Holding my breath.

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  3. I would first like to say that nothing about is fake, a fraud, or a failure. You are a person who is struggling. Struggling like every man and woman who has walked the earth, every man or woman who God has used in the Bible. Rebekah, you are a blessing to your family and ours! You are my precious sister who I admire more than I can explain. You will get through this...whether it be through counseling, medication, prayer, hugs, etc. Your son is completely blessed and happy and healthy!!!! He adores you and always will! I can't understand how you feel, but I understand that you are a treasure and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made! There has never been anyone like you, EVER! I praise the Lord for you and you are always in my prayers sweet sister!

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  4. Bekah~ I had the same problem after Jaime was born and also had the same brush off by my doctor. Find a therapist or someone else you can trust that has some kind of counseling experience and talk to them. I never took the drugs, I've stopped holding my breath and I've learned to (sort of) let go of the terror of not being able to protect my children from the world around us. Please know that you are not alone and that it doesn't have to continue. Hugs <3

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  5. Bekah...give yourself a little time before you start taking medication...that is a very slippery slope that is hard to come off of and can definetely make matters worse not better. I know a lot of people will say they help..I assume you are talking about anti-depressants...but in most cases they just make you numb ....they are so over prescribed. Please find yourself a good holistic woman doctor who takes time to know the whole story of you...then you can take steps together to solve the mystery. Also...as a home builder that has done lots of renovation work...try not to beat yourself up about the mold problem....a lot of that was over rated and became the "it" thing for a while...think about it for a minute...thre was mold 50 years ago in people's homes...they survived...take a deep breath...

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  6. i have had anxiety since i was a child, there are ways to get thru it without drugs. i suggest finding a counselor on your own (and not a psychiatrist). i found my counselor on my insurance website. you don't need to go thru your doctor, just make an appointment with a therapist and see how it goes. sometimes you need to go to a couple before you find a good fit. i, too, wanted medication as a second option. my therapist suggested we work on counseling and if necessary, later on, talk about medication.
    feel free to contact me if you need any help with this, it can be confusing and frustrating at times.

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  7. I'm so sorry. It sounds like anxiety to me. My hubby suffers from it and I know for him he worries a lot. Keep pushing your doctor. Don't take no for an answer. I'll be praying for you.

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  8. This post has inspired me to de-lurk and let you know what I've thought for so long. Bekah, you are so real. So honest. Anything, but fake. It's refreshing to see someone write about life. Real life.

    Anxiety is a huge issue that goes left unspoken. It's like there's a stigma about it. Growing up with a father as a physician and working in the medical field, I see it and deal with it on a daily basis in my patients, and unfortunately, I struggle with it myself.

    You've done everything right. You've made no mistakes. You're being your advocate. Standing up for yourself. I'm so proud of you.

    Keep your chin up, pretty girl. And know that it will get better.

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  9. bekah this post is so awesome. your being honest and real is going to be a HUUGE blessing to someone.
    i will pray for you right now.

    call our church counseling office. i know several of the counselors there. they are really good. in fact, i recommend asking for carla. if you go, tell her i sent you:)

    your honesty has been a testimony to me.

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  10. Keep your head up... there are ways to get through it. I sent you a message on facebook; thought it might help.

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  11. You're not a fake--you're just a human who is having a problem. But you're not alone, and you're not a failure, and you totally deserve your happiness.

    I would really suggest getting a second opinion before you start taking that prescription. I just don't think that doctor listened to you and you need someone who is hearing you and what you're going through.

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  12. Bekah, I feel like anything I would have to say would be a repeat of what everyone else has been saying. I don't think you are a fake in any way shape or form. If anything your one of the most "real" people I know! I think your smart for not trying to battle this alone and brave for seeking help (even though I'd love to slap that doctor!). Do you think LivingWord would have any counselor's to offer? I love you Bekah. Know that I will be praying for you and that you will find the right doctor or counselor.
    ~Smash

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  13. I am so sorry.

    I know exactly how you feel & you deserve better.

    You're not a fake - you're real. You're a mother, & you're suffering, & you're going to get better.

    I'm so proud of you for recognizing it & taking the steps to pull through. That makes you amazing.

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  14. I'm so sorry. You are not a fake, or a fraud, or a bad mother, or a bad wife. You are human. In fact, you are one of those rare humans who is able to admit that you need help sometimes. It's OK. You will be OK.

    If it's possible, you might look into seeing a different doctor. I have found that a sympathetic ear goes a long way when I'm dealing with medical professionals.

    I hope you feel better soon. I am thinking of you.

    P.S. I have worked through a couple of workbooks to help me deal with anxiety. Email me if you want any recommendations. XOXO

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  15. That is so frustrating that when you reached out for help to a trained professional, they didn't help at all. I agree with another commenter, try counseling before the medication. I love the honesty in this post. It was very moving. Sometimes getting things off your chest like that, even things that seem humiliating is so freeing. Your on the right path. We are all rooting for you :)

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  16. Thanks for being so open! I would look into seeing if you can see another Dr. I will be praying for you!

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  17. Oh girl, good for you. You are strong and so right, those feelings suck......... I tend to be a anxious, person as well. But waiting for the bad to happen constantly, is too much for anyone. I hope you get the medicine thing figured out. You will get through this and be better for it, prayers going out to you.

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  18. You are SOOO not alone. You know I only recently posted about my own anxiety issues after they had been happening for months and months.

    I know it's so scary to admit that something feels wrong, but it's the first step in getting better.

    I also used to think that medications were a bad thing, & so I would have a couple drinks to relax myself instead and then got to thinking, "Hmmm... take a pill, or turn into someone who needs a few drinks every night so she doesn't feel so nervous and on edge?"
    & then I realized- that is what meds are for. To help.

    *Hugs* I know how it is.

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  19. Oh my dear, dear friend. I always say that the intense worry of the first trimester is just the beginning of the anxiety we will carry as mother's for the rest of our lives. I completely understand, even if to a lesser degree, especially regarding how we would get Isaac out of the house. That's why he's upstairs with us, still, in our bed. Because I can't figure out how we would get to him if the stairs were on fire and I can't live with those thoughts.

    I'm so sorry that your appointment was such a bust. I'm so glad that the village was rallied and I hope that you receive the help that you need, that is effective.

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  20. I like reading your site for the reason that you can always get us fresh and cool stuff, I think that I ought to at least say a thank you for your hard work.

    - Henry

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