Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day

Today we made a family trip out to the hallowed grounds of Gettysburg Battlefield.  More on that to come...but I wanted to quickly check in and remind you to reflect a little on what this day means to all your fellow Americans.  BBQ's and pool parties are great, but when you see our beautiful flag flying remember with pride the soldiers who have fought in our many wars, and whether you agree with the reasons behind the current war or not, please say a little prayer for the safety of our troops right now (including my cousin Gil, we love you, be careful!).


Also, if you care to read an interesting post by my father, head on over to read about my Grandfather's stay on the beautiful island of Hawaii, at a little place we call Pearl Harbor.


God Bless our Troops.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Decisions...

Matt and I spent last Saturday evening with a movie, takeout, and a bottle of the same wine  that we had at our wedding.  I observed that maybe, possibly, the Universe is trying to tell me something, and I think I ALMOST have it figured out.  It's definitely one of two things...

1.  You can get through this with more laughter...OR...

2.  You can get through this with more wine.

What do you think?

Monday, May 24, 2010

The 11th Commandment and a Question

Thou shalt not bite thy Mother's nipple.  Seriously kid? Ouch.

The mental picture I just got of some poor old 12th century monk keeling over upon reading the word 'nipple' in the Bible was almost worth the bite....almost.  But, ANYWAY, I guess that was my way of announcing that Jack officially has two teeth now, two precious pearly reminders that my tiny baby is growing up before my very eyes.  His gummy baby smile is slowly turning into the grin of a little boy, we have some time left, but it's happening.  Right in front of me, and I am trying desperately to cling to every day, to cherish each smile, each giggle, to breathe in the smell of him when we snuggle in the morning, and to remember the way his pajamas fit around his chubby ankles.  This time is so fleeting, I feel so blessed to be a daily witness to this childs growth, to his beautiful little life.  He has profoundly changed me.

I have a lot of posts percolating in my brain, but I (once again) managed to misplace my card reader, so I can't upload any new photos.  The one above is about a month and a half old....

Also - A quick question, unrelated to this post, but related to one of the aforementioned posts percolating...

When you think of summer, what color comes to mind? Feel free to expound upon your answer.

Also Also - I cannot thank you all enough for your encouragement on my last post.  I have been really struggling lately, and you have helped me more than you will ever know.  I have no words good enough to express the gratitude I have for your encouragement.  Thank You.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Destroyed Daffodils

I'd like to hop on here and write another positive post, one that shows just how strong and resiliant we can be, to put on my best Spanglish accent and yell "We don't need no stinkin' house", but it's starting to get to me.  It doesn't help that Jack is still sick, and I can't help but wonder if all those mold spores we unknowingly exposed him to might have something to do with it...the Doctor tells me that it doesn't, that babies get sick and then they get better, but I still wonder. 

It's been two months now, and very little progress has been made towards a resolution.  Two months of imposing on my mom and step-dad.  Two months of staring up at pink insulation wondering how we can resolve this faster.  TWO STINKING MONTHS. 

It breaks my heart to go to the house now, so I try not to go unless I absolutely have to get something vital.  Something that we need right now.  I try to tell myself  "it's just a house, just wood and cinderblocks" but that is a whole lot easier to say than to believe.

The first time I went back I thought I was okay. I get some things we needed, but as I headed back to the car, I saw my daffodils. They were beautiful and cheery and they were blooming at a home we couldn't be in. Tears began to stream down my face as I tore up their stems, each and every one.

The hardest part is going into my baby's room.  The room that I spent hours working late into the summer nights, painting each Dr. Suess Mural by hand while my swollen belly brushed against the wall, the room that my husband worked hour after sweaty hour replacing the ceiling so our little one could look up at fresh white paint and a ceiling fan.  The room we excitedly decorated for our sweet baby, the curtains my mom and grandmother taught me how to sew, made especially for this room. 

The room in which he has never, and probably will never, spent a single night.

That gets me every time.  I see his beautiful white crib, his sweet Dr. Suess bedding, his pile of stuffed animals, the books we wanted to read to him, and I feel like such a failure.  I should have known.  Somehow, I should have known.  I want to go back in time, to protect my family from all of this, to keep this stress off of the shoulders of my dear husband.

I want to go home.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I Miss Smilin' Jack

Jack's first tooth finally showed itself on Saturday, but soon after that we noticed a DRAMATIC change in his behavior.  I mean...crying all the time.  All. the. time.  We chalked it up to the three teeth we can still see under his gums that have yet to break through. 

His nose had gotten progressively runnier (how's that for a bad sentence?) and he has pretty much cried all week.  This morning he started breathing heavily, and coughing this strange cough that sounded almost like a dog barking.  My paranoia won out and I called the pediatrician.  After a consult with the nurse, she said it sounded like Croup, but that he probably didn't need to come in. 

I said I was really uncomfortable not having him seen my a pediatrician, and I'd rather pay the twenty dollar copay just to know that he was okay. 

We scheduled an appointment, and yes he has Croup.  Also...double ear infections. 

I had no idea.  I'm so glad that I insisted on a visit.   He is now on antibiotics for the ear infections, as well as being near a cool mist humidifier for the Croup. 

So what I'm trying to say here is...Mom's -- trust your instincts.  You know your babies better than anyone else on this earth, if you think something is wrong, it probably is. 

Okay, I have to go...the crying has resumed.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

To all the Mom's, Grandmother's, Soon-to-be Mom's, and Hoping to Soon be Mom's...

...Happy Mother's Day! 

Friday, May 7, 2010

Jack: Month Six

As of yesterday my baby is six months old.  SIX MONTHS!  Can it really have been that long ago that I woke up to the unexpected gush of my water breaking, rushed to the hospital (with a quick stop for my last Devil's Food Krispy Kreme) and thirteen hours later delivered this squawking, pink, perfectly healthy mix of Matt and I?

Daddy's eyebrows and mommy's lips make quite the combination on a handsome young man, don't you agree?  We still don't have an inkling as to the color of those eyes!  Like a mood ring, those peepers!  One day they are brown, the next day they are green, and in that picture they appear to be blue?  One thing we do know, though, is that they crinkle endearingly at the corners just like Daddy's when a smile takes over his sweet face.

This picture cracks me up every time I see it...think Irish Spring soap commercial meets water god.

He weighs well over 20 pounds at this point.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Twenty pounds.  He is single-handedly responsible for the return of muscle tone to my upper body.  By the time he wears an outfit once he will have outgrown it before it can make it's way back into the rotation.  Another shocking statistic about this boy? He has four teeth coming in right now. FOUR.  ALL AT ONCE.  He's taking it like a champ though, some fussing here and there, but mostly my sweet boy just happily chews on his fingers and drools.

He has been such a blessing to us, he has forced us to grow and mature as a couple, and he has shown us what a gift it is to truly be a family.   Matt and I have learned more about each other in these short six months than we had in the six years we had known each other.  I didn't know he struggled with patience and that poor man had no idea how neurotic I really could be.  I've learned that there is nothing more attractive to me than seeing the father of my baby holding our sweet son as he discovers the world around him.  I nearly cried when I overheard Matt lovingly explaining the art of bass guitar to our infant. 

I love you my son.  You are our life line in the storm.  You remind us of our true blessings, and how much we really do have to be thankful for in this life we have been given.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Oh No

"In this country, you gotta make the money first.  Then when you get the money, you get the power.  Then when you get the power, you get the women."

Jack Quinlan! Where on earth did you hear something like that?

"I got ears, ya know.  I hear things."

Jack, no.  That's not appropriate.  Thats not how moral people live.

"You wanna waste my time? Okay, I call my lawyer, he's the best lawyer in Miami.  He's such a good lawyer that by tomorrow morning you gonna be working in Alaska.  So dress warm."

Oh no sir.  You do not talk to your mother like that! I give the orders mister!

"Amigo, the only thing that gives the orders in this world is balls.  Balls. You got that?"

JACK QUINLAN! THAT IS IT!  No more watching Scarface for you! You're taking this whole ganster thing too far!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Refined

It's no secret that Matt and I have been through the fire lately.  We have been tested through this house ordeal, we have had triumphs and failures as a couple and as a family.

It hasn't been easy on either of us, and last week it really came to a head when we realized that each of us,  in one way or another, had lost that lovin' feeling (whoa that lovin' feeling, now it's gone...gone...gone....ooooo...SORRY, I had a Top Gun flashback there for a minute).  At no point did either of us stop actually loving the other, but we just...we got tired.  And we took it out on each other, we were inconsiderate, we were cold, and it hurt.  Both of us. 

We are learning, he and I, we are growing, we are maturing.  We feel like this is something that we can either grow from, or something that can tear us apart.  We choose to grow. 

I've missed him, and what hurts is that he has been right here.  That's not his fault, it's both of ours.  At any point I could have turned to him and said 'I need you' and I believe he would have been there for me. But instead I chose silence to mask that I was hurt.  I chose to be angry to hide that I was feeling lonely.  Our lines of communication, lines that up until this point had never missed a beat, were almost completely broken down.  In their place was resentment, anger, and some nasty little attitudes sprinkled on top.  On minute we could be happily talking and the next we would be full out brawling over picture frames or misplaced socks.

I didn't want to share this here, not really.  It's my nature to gloss over the sticky parts of life, to let everyone believe my 'everything is okay' facade.  It is okay...now.  It is okay because we both knew that where we were a week ago was not okay. We weren't living as a husband and wife should be, we were living as crotchety old roommates. 

Did you know that when gold is refined it is heated to such a point that all the impurities rise to the top, so that they can be removed?

We have found some of our impurities and skimmed them from our marriage, we know what to be aware of, and we hope to never forget the pain that we caused each other.  Not that we will hang on to it, no, we want to remember in order to prevent causing this pain to each other again. 

We are refined, and we will continue to be refined.  It's not a fun process, it's not as easy process, it hurts, but the end product is oh so worth it. 

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