Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Knowing vs. Feeling

You know how when one aspect of your life is unsettled, everything feels unsettled?  That's where I am right now.  We still don't know where we will really BE next year,  we are pretty sure it will involve a move about two and a half hours away, but even then, we can't find any decent housing in that area, so yeah...unsettled.

However,  I do know that the important things are all right here, within my reach.
On days like today, when it's raining, and I'm feeling angry at the circumstances - mad about my inability to do ANYTHING to change this (and I'm wondering why I even bother taking care of our house when I know we are just going to have to move in a few months anyway), these pictures help ground me. 
This is why.  Because I have been given so much.  These boys, this husband, this life.  It doesn't change the fact that Matt is losing his job.  It doesn't change the fact that, once again, we are going to be moving away from the place we have called home, and not because we want to.   But the REALLY important stuff, that can't be taken away because a school board made a decision to cut a program.
I'm not happy about it, but I am trying (not always successfully) to focus on the blessings, of which we have so many.  
But isn't it hard to KNOW one thing, but also to FEEL another?
I know all of this, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken at the prospect of moving two and half hours away from everything, and almost everyone, that I know.  Leaving the area where we thought our boys would grow up, the church that we love, the friends that we have made, and don't even get me started on the distance from my family. 
I know that this-the love that is easily seen through these pictures-that has nothing to do with WHERE we are, it is simply WHO we are.

And while I KNOW that we can and will be happy no matter where we end up, I don't FEEL that way all of the time.   The school year is drawing to a close, and will we ever look forward to another summer with Matt home?  The playgroup that I take the boys to is planning it's end of the year picnic...will we see these moms and kids again?

Everything feels like a very slow goodbye at this point.

9 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that this has happened to yourself and your family - It has to be very stressful for your husband to find a new job and a new area to live. They say everything happens for a reason, but it's really hard to believe that in the midst of things.

    I hope everything works out for you - I'll be thinking of you and your adorable little family.

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  2. Bekah,
    I am so sorry your life is going thru a not so fun "season" right now... the not knowing and not having any control can get very stressful and make you angry, anxious, and suck the energy right out of you.... our family went thru this the first year of Josie's life!
    Praying for peace and God's presence in your day to day routine.... and as you eventually make some big decisions.... HE will be with you right along the way...
    Lots of love to you and your family sweetie!
    ~Maggie

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  3. I love hearing your heart, Bekah and I hurt for you guys so much. I think you are in the best place with all of this. You aren't denying your feelings, but you are trying hard to not live in them. God is really working hard in my heart about feelings right now and your post fits so well with what has been brewing in this mind of mine. We love you guys and wish we could keep you for forever!

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  4. Bekah,
    Thank you for sharing your heart. Your dad and I are praying for you and your beautiful family. We hate this change and yet know God is in control and trust Him that this will be good in the long run...besides it's never good-bye just 'see ya later'! We love you! Ann

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  5. Moving is no fun, no matter the circumstance. We've moved 7 times in 6 years, and I can *so* relate to a lot of your feelings. Will be praying for strength, peace, and comfort for you.

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  6. I actually think it's a bad idea to assume we have to be "happy" all the time. Joyful is what we should strive for instead :) I am so sorry about what is going on for you right now. I will pray that you will find a beautiful new home in a good neighborhood and a new church community. Life is so hard. I understand completely what it means to know something and feel another. I think that's a universal struggle. Moving is so, so stressful. No matter what God loves and provides.

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  7. beautiful work!
    Can we follow each other?:X

    FashionSpot.ro

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  8. First of all Happy Mother's Day to one of the best mama's I know in Blogland! One day at a time...no worries..be happy! As long as you are all together and healthy it will be fine...xo

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  9. I would feel just as sad. But you are right about being so blessed with what you HAVE. You have an absolutely beautiful family! Three boys who think the world of you! It will all work out. You will make great new friends...and just think, it's "only" 2 1/2 hours away and it will make family visits all the sweeter, something to appreciate EVEN more. :-) Hugs!

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